i dunno.

Stuff:

1. I'm in the midst of preparing a super long and detailed write-up with pics about Ookii (i.e. thesis) but I've only just begun.
2. I'm totally lost on what to do for the trip with my mom. Either the timing of the tour sucks or she's not v keen on the location or I've been there, done that.
3. I still look in Ookii's cage direction whenever I wake up and whenever I reach home. It's hard to break the habit. His cage is still sitting there in a pile. I'm in denial about removing it.
4. I helped a blind man just now. Some people think it's ok to just stare at these lost, blind people and not lend a hand. =\\\\\\
Other people think it's ok to stare at us when I'm holding onto him and steering him around. I wish Singaporeans were less apathetic and cared more for others.
5. I think being blind is a lot worse than a lot of other disabilities. (Or the worst of.)

At what point do you let go?

The idea of putting him down never crossed my mind till I saw the state he was in just now. Yes, he is very tired, very slow, apt to have his eyes closed, with wrinkly, leathery skin, and he had diarrhoea again today. I brought him out to pat him and as usual I turn him over. His diarrhoea is in a large amount, same as yesterday. I take my baby wipes and wipe his chest, which is soiled with shit. I wipe his hands, which are yellowish and brownish, soiled with shit too. He hated it and bit me. Many times now. I wiped his arse. I pulled the shit off his fur. I pulled the shit out of his arse. He hated it so much. Then I realised the extent of his arse problem. The skin that's supposed to be inside is hanging outside, all flappy. The poop is brown, grey, with tinges of red. I don't know where it all came from. I don't know what it means. I know that if I bring him to the vet, all they'll give him is Baytril, which I already have, and did give him 2x over the past 4 days. I don't even want to continue the Baytril; it's not helping and he abhors it. I poke his eye inadvertently whenever I feed it to him. He struggles like crazy and in the end succumbs, but I don't know if it helps.
Seeing his flappy skin just now just made me want to put him down. I've never wanted to put a pet down before, and I've never had to do it. I've always been against euthanasia because I want the animals to fight for their lives. Who are we as humans to decide that they don't want to, or can't live anymore? What if they want to carry on, miserable as they are, but we take away that chance to live, from them? Just because we own them doesn't mean we have a right to decide when they should go... At times like these, my religious beliefs in Buddhism kick in. Though I'm not a pious or true blue believer, I do believe in karma. I feel that perhaps this is their karma. And that by suffering they pay off some of their debts so they don't have to suffer as much in their next life. Perhaps they won't even have a next life. I am only human; I have no right to decide for them.
Yet, seeing him suffering like that makes me wonder what sort of life he is living. That since he is my pet, shouldn't I give him the best? And like someone told me, that it's about quality of life?
I don't think a vet can even tell me if it's a suitable time to put him down.

For now, I'll just grapple with myself.

Tired.

Wait, TINYPIC is banned too?
Get a life, people.